Growing too fast.

I registered for classes a couple of days ago. I was excited. I felt like a college student.

But that got me thinking about the future and being on my own. All alone.

Then I started thinking about how bad I am with money.

Then I realized how much I'd hate to be poor for the rest of my life.

Before all this I thought I'd marry rich or something, I don't know why, though, because there's really nothing about me that a rich guy would want. But I thought I'd live a comfortable life with my future husband while I got to write and dream and someday make a little money off of my work.

But this week got me thinking that I should probably stop thinking like this. I need to take care of myself. In every single way.

I've also learned that I need to enjoy the time I have now. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

I think it'll be fine.

Or, at least that's what I'm hoping for.

Remembering.

It's funny what you remember when you're lying in bed at 4 am, sick and starving because you ate food, just the wrong kind.

I should have looked at him when we were dancing. Maybe then he would have told me that I looked pretty.

I want to write so bad I can feel words on the tips of my fingers burning to get out. I just wish I had some motivation. I wish I had more faith in my work. But I just end up hating everything I write down.

I'll keep trying, though.

Time to Think.

I was really dreading summer. Like almost so much that I couldn't stand the idea of it.

But I've come to realize summers have made me who I am today. All the constant time in my head, alone, has made me crazy. But I like to think it's the good kind of crazy. The kind people can laugh at. And the kind I can laugh at too.

I'm kind of okay with who I am.

Not entirely, of course. But I like to think I like myself more than some people I know.

I think a part of me knows I won't be doing anymore changing for a while. I'm pretty much stuck with myself.

I do wish that I could change my perspective on some things.

For example, I wish I could realize that it doesn't matter how much weight I carry around my stomach or my face or my arms because deep down I know that's not really the problem that I have. I've seen plenty of people get passed their insecurities and find people that are good and who are good for them. There's something else that's wrong, something I can't see yet. I just hope that I can figure out what's wrong soon enough. And hopefully, I'll be able to fix it.

Having too much time to think isn't such a bad thing now.

I just wish I had more things that I could read.