So I've started writing this story with Jules, one that's already half finished and kind of developed, but the girl who was doing it with her flaked out on her and she really wanted to finish the story so she asked me to help her, but i'm terrible at writing fiction, i guess she must have been desperate, but I decided to do it because I want to get better at writing in general, which means fiction as well, but I'm kind of scared because there are already these people who have read this story that Jules and that other girl have written so far, and review it and love it, but Jules said not to worry too much about it cause it's not that big of a deal, in fact, someone told me that all you have to do is write something down, she said, I guess to make me feel better, but it didn't, it made me lose a bit of motivation, and it didn't make me any less scared, strange readers on the internet can be uber critical but so far they have been really supportive of me stepping in for that other girl, who they apparently adored, others were honest and said they were disappointed that Jules had replaced her, but said they'd give me a chance, and I was like, okay, that's good, I guess, that they're going to give me a chance, and I really like the story that they've written so far, so it's easy to jump in and write the way that i'd like to see the story go.
And I saw Inception today. Argued about the ending with my family. It was a little confusing, so I sort of lost interest a little and got a little bored, but the music made it exciting in a way, and I was on edge the entire time because I was still semi-aware of what was going on on the screen and for the majority of the movie they were running out of time, I just wasn't as invested as I thought I should be for a movie. I thought, what am I feeling, excited boredom? That's an oxymoron, for ya.
I've been feeling a lot of guilt about the littlest things lately. Like, I'll be snippy to someone or I won't spend enough time with someone, and I'll feel bad about it for a long time. So I've been trying a little harder to be more involved in the world lately. Watching what I say more carefully.
My dreams have gotten really specific. One time it was so bad that when I woke up, I thought I was still dreaming and had to check my phone to realize where I really was. I remember them in so much detail, I've been looking them up to see what they mean. So far, they've all had a pretty common theme. I'm losing a part of my true identity and feel out of control of my emotions. Which isn't great. But I don't think I can do anything about it. So I'm not going to worry about it.
On a lighter note, the dream interpreter site can be pretty entertaining. One night I had a dream I had lost my wallet and this is what it started out with,
"To dream that you lose your wallet, suggests that you need to be more cautious and careful about your spending and finances. You need to be more responsible with your money."
I thought, okay. That makes sense. But then it when on to say,
"Alternatively, losing your wallet, indicates that you are losing touch with your true identity. You are experiencing some anxiety over changes and uncertainties happening in your life."
Then I thought, okay, that kind of makes sense too, in a way. But which one is it? Because I'm terrible with money. But the other one makes sense too, because I'm going through a lot of changes. Curse you, dream interpreter. You have confused me even more.
Another realization before I go. I found out I have a slight social phobia. Which, if you know me, makes COMPLETE SENSE. I was self-diagnosed, sure. But I looked up the symptoms and I felt like I was reading my brain out on paper, er, screen?
Listen to this,
"Social phobia (also sometimes called social anxiety) is a type of anxiety problem. Extreme feelings of shyness and self-consciousness build into a powerful fear. As a result, a person feels uncomfortable participating in everyday social situations.
People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in.
With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them — and avoid some of them altogether."
THIS IS MY LIFE. I hope now that I know what's wrong with me I can do something about it.
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