I'll hopefully be transferring to Southern. I've done most of the paperwork, now I just need to see if I can scrounge up the money to go. If I can get the money, I'm going.
I haven't really told anyone that yet. I wanted to make sure that I was definitely leaving before saying it. But it's looking like the future now.
Megan, as a roommate, is an interesting creature. A lot of what she does annoys the shit out of me, but we have nice moments. Especially now, since I am officially friendless here.
I want to write about what's going on with Mary and I, but I hesitate because I don't want to say bad things about her. Even now, for some reason. I don't want to be mean. I just don't. But I will say, as far as I'm concerned, we're not friends anymore. At least, not the way we used to be.
And I also didn't want to type what's going on because I'm scared someone will try and contact her and ask her about it, you know, try and get her side of the story. No one really knows we aren't friends anymore except Megan and Sarah, and that's only because they're close (distance-wise). But contacting her would be the last thing I would want. It wouldn't help and it would just make things messier than they already are. Not that anyone really reads this. But I just wanted to make that clear.
I just, I wanted to get it out there. I'm sad and I needed to express what I'm feeling.
I've been dealing with a lot of things. I'm sad a lot, and I'm angry. But I'm in the process of letting all of that go. And I already feel ten times better. Anger and sadness just doesn't suit me well.
It's a shame I'm leaving here, because I like the professors. I just don't like the actual people that go here. They act too much like the kids did at my old high school.
At one point, I wanted to drop out and travel. But then I realized I didn't have any money or plans. But all I wanted was to let everything go, and just live a little. I don't feel like I've lived at all. I feel wasted. And not the fun kind. The pitiful kind.
I told a couple people this, and they told me I couldn't drop out, that it'd be a mistake. And I wasn't going to do it anyway, but I just wanted someone to tell me I had a choice. That I was in control of my life. I suppose I don't, though.
I've been told that I'm cute. And that I'm pretty. And that I'm adorable. That's well and fine. But when people call me those things, I feel, well, first I feel like they're lying or kind of blind, but then I feel like I'm six years old. I'm 20 now, I'm supposed to be a woman. And a woman is beautiful. Not cute. Oh, well. I just thought about that today.
Beautiful was the very first long word I learned how to spell. I think that's kind of beautiful.
It's 4 am. I have an 8 am class. I might not go, though. That's the only part of college I like. Skipping classes when I want. But I don't even do that very often cause I'm too afraid.
Oh, well. I felt like I should update this. It looked kind of sad all out dated.
Still hoping for better days.
No comments:
Post a Comment